Roommate wanted. 2 bedroom/1 bath. Ridgewood, Queens. $700
Looking for a roommate to live with me in a spacious apartment in Ridgewood. It’s a close walk to both L and M Trains. Bushwick is only a ten-minute walk from here.
Looking for someone to move in ASAP. Dogs are fine but please no cats, I am very allergic :/
To move in, you will need first and last month’s rent and a security deposit equal to one-month’s rent.
I’m a pretty relaxed guy in my mid-20s. I work a steady 9-5 job in the finance industry. Ideally, my roommate will be like the following:
My roommate is the kind of guy that doesn’t clean. When my roommate is thirsty, he will grab a clean glass from the cupboard. When he is finished with his drink, he will set it down on the coffee table. Once all twelve glasses are on the coffee table, my roommate will die of thirst. My roommate does not do the dishes.
My roommate does not brush his teeth. I once took a whiff of his bath towel. Curiosity got the best of me. I almost died.
My roommate orders delivery for all of his meals. He eats on the couch without napkins or utensils. He places trash by his feet or underneath the couch. If he has leftovers, he places them in the fridge and erases his memory.
At 4 a.m., my roommate toasts thirteen slices of white bread and eats half of them.
My roommate is late on the rent and asks me to spot him.
My roommate purchases weed on a biweekly basis. He has it delivered to our house and he usually gets the $300 deal because he gets an extra $50 for free.
I met my roommate in the sixth grade. He smelled weird and I thought he was gay. His hair was tied in a ponytail and sometimes he wore a hat.
My roommate gives the spare keys to our apartment to his girlfriend. He met her a month ago. She is high strung and takes medicine for her anxiety. She has a panic attack whenever she sees me.
My roommate’s girlfriend calls the cops on him. He texts me to say that he’s at a bar reading 2666. My roommate has been reading 2666 for the past eight months. He finished the first chapter about a month ago. He came up to me and told me how incredible it was and how excited he was for the rest. Then he asked me what I thought of it. I said I thought it was very funny. He asked me what I thought was so funny about it. He asked me if I even remember it. I told him that I thought it was funny how the story worked out the same way as Goldilocks. He grumbled and said he didn’t notice that. I asked him what he thought about one of the character’s suicide. He said he didn’t notice that part either. He’s at the bar now reading the book, while I try to explain to the cops that I am not my roommate.
My roommate tells me that Kurt Cobain was a really talented guitarist. ‘He played with his strap down, which is really hard to do.’
My roommate asks me if he can borrow $750. He’s going to be a security guard. He just had an interview and he got the job. I say ‘congrats. What do you need the money for?’ He says he needs to pay for the uniform and equipment upfront and it costs $650. I ask him what he needs the rest for. He says he wants to buy some weed.
My roommate tells me that he’s been thinking about it and, no one reads on the internet.
My roommate comes home angry. He’s just gotten into an argument with his girlfriend. He tells me the situation and I suggest that he try being nice to her. He then picks up a phone call from her. ‘CAN WE JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I NEVER YELLED AT YOU?’
I ask my roommate if he doesn’t mind taking out the trash from his room. It’s starting to smell bad and it’s making me uncomfortable. My roommate yells at me. He says he doesn’t need his girlfriend AND his roommates telling him he’s self-centered.
I helped my roommate move in from his old apartment. He had close to forty large boxes. Ten of them were filled with books. Seven were filled with vinyl records. I did most of the lifting because my roommate has a bad knee. He can’t put a lot of weight on it and he walks with a limp. My hand was sweaty by the time I carried the last box upstairs. My roommate was waiting for me at the top. Once I reached the end of the stairs, the box slipped from my hands and almost fell. I was able to keep it up with my legs. My roommate ran towards me and yelled. He put his arm between my arms and the box, making it harder for me to hold it. He told me to put it down before I broke something. I asked him to please not place his arm between the box and me because it might hurt someone. He took two steps back and yelled ‘WOAH SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOUR PRIDE.’
My roommate never apologizes to me.
I have a friend who’s in a band that’s relatively popular in the city we live in. My roommate has never met him, but when I bring him along to one of their shows he acts like they’ve been friends for a long time. My friend in the band is having a conversation with a girl who came out to see him play. My roommate interrupts them. He asks for my friend’s number and my friend says no. He asks for my friend to send him mp3 files of his band’s music and my friend tells him that he’s making him feel uncomfortable. After the show my friend asks me to never bring my roommate out again.
I bring my roommate out to another event. It’s at an art gallery. A friend of mine is displaying his graffiti art. He’s doing a live piece and is asking the audience to participate. He hands a tube to my roommate. I’m not completely sure about this, but I think my roommate mistakes it for a drink. In any case, my roommate takes a swig from the tube. It’s paint.
My roommate is unemployed and has been for two years. He gets a check at the beginning of every month from his parents. He’s allowed to withdraw a certain amount from his trust fund every other month.
My roommate tells me that he knows what it’s like to be broke. It’s a Friday night, and he has $170 left until Monday.
The next day, my roommate tells me once more that he knows what it’s like to be broke. He just paid for his six-pack of craft beer with change.
My roommate and his girlfriend spend a lot of time on the couch. They eat delivery food and watch lord of the rings or south park. They have watched the extended lord of the rings dvd trilogy three times this year.
My roommate’s girlfriend is very loud when they have sex. After my roommate cums, he walks out of his bedroom in his underwear and asks me if I enjoyed the show. Then he smokes a bowl and goes back to his room.
My roommate walks in on me having a video conversation with a friend who lives in a different city. I’m on the couch and the laptop is on the coffee table. My friend is trying on different dresses and showing me. She undresses in front of the camera because we are close and have that kind of relationship. My roommate sits on the edge of the couch, where he is out of view from the camera but can see what is happening on the screen. I wait for him to say something but he doesn’t say a word. He just stares at the screen. When the video chat ends, my roommate looks at me and says: ‘So, your friend is into dicks, huh?’
My roommate likes to brag that he’s able to have an erection whenever he wants. He’s referring to his viagra prescription.
My roommate goes into my room while I’m not at home and takes things. Sometimes he takes my things to his girlfriend’s house and never brings them back. I never ask to borrow anything from my roommate because he always asks for it back on the same day.
My roommate asks me to be his wingman. He’s going to meet up with two perfect 10 babes and he needs me to take one of them. We are meeting them at a local park. On our way over my roommate stops by a deli and picks up some 40’s of old english and smirnoff ice. We get to the park and it becomes clear to me that the girls are underage. It’s also clear that they are by no means attractive in the conventional sense. The smirnoff ice is for them. The old english is for my roommate, who offers me some. The girls tell us about how they snuck out of school.
My roommate asks me to help him with something. He says ‘Hey, I know how to do this but, could you show me how to hook up the tape deck?” We have already gone over this twice before. I explain that the RCA cables need to go into the OUT plugs on the tape deck and into the IN plugs on the receiver. My roommate gets angry and tells me that I don’t need to be so condescending. I ask him what he means and he says ‘You know you’re really unpleasant sometimes and you make me feel worthless.’
I meet up my roommate at a coffee shop. He tells me that he’s rented a zip car and that he can give me a ride back home. I follow him to his car. We circle the block and I ask him where he’s going. He says ‘I don’t know, I was following you.’
My roommate always misplaces his house keys. I ask him if he’s checked his pockets and he says yes. I help him look in the kitchen and in the living room. I ask him if he’s sure he’s checked his pockets and he gets angry and yells. I lose my cool and shove my hands into his pockets and retrieve the keys.
My roommate tells me that he has a photographic memory.
My roommate tells me that he wants to wave the perversity of his joblessness into the faces of people. We get into a brief argument about the definition of the word perverse. He then tells me that his parents want him to get a job.
My roommate sounds like a pain in the ass but I really miss him. We grew up together. One time he asked me to teach him how to chug a beer. We stayed up all night drinking a 30 pack of Miller Lite. My roommate wasn’t able to chug a single beer but we had a great time.
He used to live with a transsexual woman. They had me over for dinner and the evening was very nice.
I used to bully him pretty bad. I would make him buy me alcohol and drugs and I would use him for his place. I would invite friends over and we would party until early in the morning.
One time I beat up my roommate. I took off his clothes and took advantage of him. He never told anyone about it.
Today was my roommate’s funeral. He spent two days in his bedroom. His girlfriend called me and asked me if I had seen him. I walked into his room to ask him if he was OK. His eyes and mouth were open.
So if you fit this description, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
P.S. Looking forward to meeting my new roomie ☺
About the author:
Dan Brat lives in Colorado, which he moved to from NYC. Before NYC he grew up in Miami. He was born in Brazil, where everyone in his family is from. Dan works as a developer and designer but he loves you most of all.
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